A few home truths May 25, 2010

After writing my previous blog it got me thinking about my life.
What I do, and what I do not, deserve to complain about.

Sure, I could complain about my entire life, but how would that make my life any better.

So, I am going to be completely open, and honest, and if it hits home then, well, I deserve it.


I put enormous pressure on myself when I don’t have to.
I give 110% at my job -
Even when it only requires 50%.
And I beat myself up if I can’t quite reach it.

I am spending hours every week attempting to teach myself a language that I will probably never be able to understand, let alone speak but I have started it – so I will finish it.



I have become a second mother to a little boy who doesn’t really need me, but I do it because I am such a perfectionist I want to be punished if he isn’t happy or healthy because I don’t trust anyone else to do it. I know for a fact he would be fine without me, in fact, he would probably be better off.
I owe this kid my life, literally, therefore I take it upon myself.
And it really, truly hurts when something happens in his life that isn’t 100% what i think is best for him.


I am overweight. Its not a food thing.
I can give or take food. In fact, most of the time eating is a chore.
I go through shortlived craving phases but it dies out sooner than it starts.
My metabolism does not exist, literally. It was destroyed due to illness as an infant.
I have been fat my entire life – my starting fads and quickly losing interest in them doesn’t do much to help either.
Really, I should be going to the gym more than I do.
And to be completely honest, I go very rarely.
At the moment.
My gym routine, really does, start back next week.



I am, for intents and purposes, socially retarded.
I am an outcast.
I am a high maintenance friend – for those who have stood by my side, I thank you.
Your perserverance means a hell of a lot to me.
I know I am a hard person to be around – I hate being around me somedays.
In “real” life – not including family, I have two close friends.
and maybe, four good friends. But I even question their motives.
Untrusting of everybody + Anxiousness in new places/around new people/crowded places = hard to make friends.
I feel more trusting of “online” friendships, but only since having met two very special ladies
So, thankyou Miss M-C and Mrs C


And this, this blog post, is so draining.
For so few words, the openness, the honesty, is so different to anything I have ever posted before.
It is going to take alot to click that publish button.



But you know what – screw it.
How many people can I scare away, that I haven’t before?