After writing my previous blog it got me thinking about my life.
What I do, and what I do not, deserve to complain about.
Sure, I could complain about my entire life, but how would that make my life any better.
So, I am going to be completely open, and honest, and if it hits home then, well, I deserve it.
I put enormous pressure on myself when I don’t have to.
I give 110% at my job -
Even when it only requires 50%.
And I beat myself up if I can’t quite reach it.
I am spending hours every week attempting to teach myself a language that I will probably never be able to understand, let alone speak but I have started it – so I will finish it.
I have become a second mother to a little boy who doesn’t really need me, but I do it because I am such a perfectionist I want to be punished if he isn’t happy or healthy because I don’t trust anyone else to do it. I know for a fact he would be fine without me, in fact, he would probably be better off.
I owe this kid my life, literally, therefore I take it upon myself.
And it really, truly hurts when something happens in his life that isn’t 100% what i think is best for him.
I am overweight. Its not a food thing.
I can give or take food. In fact, most of the time eating is a chore.
I go through shortlived craving phases but it dies out sooner than it starts.
My metabolism does not exist, literally. It was destroyed due to illness as an infant.
I have been fat my entire life – my starting fads and quickly losing interest in them doesn’t do much to help either.
Really, I should be going to the gym more than I do.
And to be completely honest, I go very rarely.
At the moment.
My gym routine, really does, start back next week.
I am, for intents and purposes, socially retarded.
I am an outcast.
I am a high maintenance friend – for those who have stood by my side, I thank you.
Your perserverance means a hell of a lot to me.
I know I am a hard person to be around – I hate being around me somedays.
In “real” life – not including family, I have two close friends.
and maybe, four good friends. But I even question their motives.
Untrusting of everybody + Anxiousness in new places/around new people/crowded places = hard to make friends.
I feel more trusting of “online” friendships, but only since having met two very special ladies
So, thankyou Miss M-C and Mrs C
And this, this blog post, is so draining.
For so few words, the openness, the honesty, is so different to anything I have ever posted before.
It is going to take alot to click that publish button.
But you know what – screw it.
How many people can I scare away, that I haven’t before?
Friday, June 4, 2010
Rereading my last blog I feel I should clarify.
I don’t think you have to choose between the fabulous world of fab furniture and cocktail hour to have a family.
You can have both. And I think you should, if thats what you want.
My point was, I was completely the opposite.
I didn’t want marriage.
I didn’t want babies.
I will be the mother who wears heels to the park.
I will be the mother whose toddler orders their own baby cinos in cafes.
I will be the mother of an utterly urban baby.
My baby will wear black on occassion.
My toddler will rock skinnies.
My daughter will aspire to be Suri Cruise – complete with the cute hairstyle.
I don’t think you have to choose between the fabulous world of fab furniture and cocktail hour to have a family.
You can have both. And I think you should, if thats what you want.
My point was, I was completely the opposite.
I didn’t want marriage.
I didn’t want babies.
I will be the mother who wears heels to the park.
I will be the mother whose toddler orders their own baby cinos in cafes.
I will be the mother of an utterly urban baby.
My baby will wear black on occassion.
My toddler will rock skinnies.
My daughter will aspire to be Suri Cruise – complete with the cute hairstyle.
Ms Independent. May 22, 2010
I’ve always been the girl that was convinced she could do it all.
and all on her own.
I could have the dream apartment.
The fabulous furniture
The well trained poodle
My dream life was set.
I would have a personal trainer.
A chef. A cleaner.
A mercedes… or a lexus.
A view of the ocean.
Great friends and an even greater wine supplier.
I would be a real housewive of the Eastern Suburbs – without the wife part.
All the guys I have ever dated seem to relish who I was.
I didn’t want clingy. I didn’t want marriage and I certainly didn’t want babies.
I hated doors being opened, chairs pushed in.
And only reluctantly would I hold their hand or show any public displays of affection.
I think this is why I always ended up finding out my perfect man, was married.
Now I am older.
I know I can’t afford the personal trainer.
The chef.
The merc, or the lexus.
I am practical now.
I have also realised it will be a struggle for me to ever buy a house on my own terms.
On my own.
But, I don’t want “on my own” anymore.
I want the house with realistic furniture.
The loving husband.
The loud, noisy, fun and sweet babies.
I want midnight wake-up calls.
Snuggles in front of the fire.
I will trade my dreams of dancing til dawn with tall, dark strangers.
And I will trade in the perfectly behaved poodle.
All for a loving partner, and a chubby little baby.
and all on her own.
I could have the dream apartment.
The fabulous furniture
The well trained poodle
My dream life was set.
I would have a personal trainer.
A chef. A cleaner.
A mercedes… or a lexus.
A view of the ocean.
Great friends and an even greater wine supplier.
I would be a real housewive of the Eastern Suburbs – without the wife part.
All the guys I have ever dated seem to relish who I was.
I didn’t want clingy. I didn’t want marriage and I certainly didn’t want babies.
I hated doors being opened, chairs pushed in.
And only reluctantly would I hold their hand or show any public displays of affection.
I think this is why I always ended up finding out my perfect man, was married.
Now I am older.
I know I can’t afford the personal trainer.
The chef.
The merc, or the lexus.
I am practical now.
I have also realised it will be a struggle for me to ever buy a house on my own terms.
On my own.
But, I don’t want “on my own” anymore.
I want the house with realistic furniture.
The loving husband.
The loud, noisy, fun and sweet babies.
I want midnight wake-up calls.
Snuggles in front of the fire.
I will trade my dreams of dancing til dawn with tall, dark strangers.
And I will trade in the perfectly behaved poodle.
All for a loving partner, and a chubby little baby.
I’m not. May 11, 2010
I’m not one of those girls that craves drama.
I hate it.
I’m not one of those girls who creates drama.
I do everything I can to avoid it.
I’m not one of those girls who thinks the world revolves around me.
In fact, most days, I wish the ground would swallow me whole.
I like being invisible.
I like being anonymous.
Its calming.
So why is it, that I have to plead, whoa is me?
This is not who I am, but I just need to know, WHY do I always get treated the same way?
Do I have it stamped on my forehead?
Am I a more terrible person than I imagined?
It doesn’t matter how much I run and hide, the drama seems to catch up with me.
I am over it.
My goal this year was to be a better person, I feel like this is slowly slipping from me.
First the cancellation of my course.
Then I dumped my partner because I can’t get over feelings for a past lover.
Now, I have lost a friend because I just cannot take the crap anymore…
All of this, and I can’t help but wonder what it is going through her head?
The way things have been swapped around and altered to suit situations almost seems as if they are drug/alcohol affected, at the very least, emotionally unstable,
Yet, whilst I want all this gone, all over with.
Part of me wants to post everything in a blog.
Get it all out – because I want to know if what I did, who I am, is really that terrible of a person.
Maybe I just am.
I hate it.
I’m not one of those girls who creates drama.
I do everything I can to avoid it.
I’m not one of those girls who thinks the world revolves around me.
In fact, most days, I wish the ground would swallow me whole.
I like being invisible.
I like being anonymous.
Its calming.
So why is it, that I have to plead, whoa is me?
This is not who I am, but I just need to know, WHY do I always get treated the same way?
Do I have it stamped on my forehead?
Am I a more terrible person than I imagined?
It doesn’t matter how much I run and hide, the drama seems to catch up with me.
I am over it.
My goal this year was to be a better person, I feel like this is slowly slipping from me.
First the cancellation of my course.
Then I dumped my partner because I can’t get over feelings for a past lover.
Now, I have lost a friend because I just cannot take the crap anymore…
All of this, and I can’t help but wonder what it is going through her head?
The way things have been swapped around and altered to suit situations almost seems as if they are drug/alcohol affected, at the very least, emotionally unstable,
Yet, whilst I want all this gone, all over with.
Part of me wants to post everything in a blog.
Get it all out – because I want to know if what I did, who I am, is really that terrible of a person.
Maybe I just am.
Defeat. May 11, 2010
I surrender.
I wave the white flag.
I have defended my actions, you still shoot me down.
Nothing is ever right for you.
Nothing I do, is ever right.
I’ve thrown my hands up.
I’m out.
I’m done.
I’m sorry it has come to this.
I really am.
But, I don’t need to be treated like this, when I can’t keep up with you.
I have tried to be understanding, to be compassionate, but each time I reach out, you pull further away.
And somehow, that is still my fault.
You have my number.
When you grow up.
Call me.
I wave the white flag.
I have defended my actions, you still shoot me down.
Nothing is ever right for you.
Nothing I do, is ever right.
I’ve thrown my hands up.
I’m out.
I’m done.
I’m sorry it has come to this.
I really am.
But, I don’t need to be treated like this, when I can’t keep up with you.
I have tried to be understanding, to be compassionate, but each time I reach out, you pull further away.
And somehow, that is still my fault.
You have my number.
When you grow up.
Call me.
Toxic Friendships May 11, 2010
Yesterday I blogged about how hard it was to make friends.
Today its about losing them.
How do you “break up” with a friend?
Specifically those ones that are bad for you?
It hurts, regardless.
But it needs to be done, right?
I am too old and tired to put up with childish high school drama.
and I, in all honesty, don’t think the childishness is coming from me.
I am clinging onto a relationship because it once meant so much to me,
I am clinging on because I don’t have that many friends that I can afford to lose them
But times change, people change, situations change.
And now its time to cut the cord.
For my own wellbeing, as well as hers.
The problem is making it final.
Today its about losing them.
How do you “break up” with a friend?
Specifically those ones that are bad for you?
It hurts, regardless.
But it needs to be done, right?
I am too old and tired to put up with childish high school drama.
and I, in all honesty, don’t think the childishness is coming from me.
I am clinging onto a relationship because it once meant so much to me,
I am clinging on because I don’t have that many friends that I can afford to lose them
But times change, people change, situations change.
And now its time to cut the cord.
For my own wellbeing, as well as hers.
The problem is making it final.
Friends May 10, 2010
Friends are funny creatures.
You have them.
You lose them.
You miss them.
You love them.
They drive you crazy.
But life would not be the same without them.
Without some of my closest friends I wouldn’t be the person I am today.
My friends are so diverse.
I met them at differing stages of my life and they are still in my life because of who they are.
We are all changing, but we still make time for each other.
We are slowly drifting apart – but that is all apart of life.
Friends are hard to make.
Ever meet someone for a brief moment and think – geez, I want to be friends with them?
How do you carry on from that?
Request them on facebook and hope you connect that way?
Asking them out for cocktails is a bit forward.
Hanging out where you know they will be is a bit stalkerish.
Its hard when you don’t have mutual friends.
Its kind of like dating.
But instead of finding a potential husband, you are looking for a potential friend.
Shopping partner.
Gym buddy.
Cocktail and gossip pal.
But the hurdles are still the same.
The fear is still the same.
The rejection is still the same.
How do you approach a new friend without seeming like a stalker?
Was all this easier before the invention of social networking?
Before Facebook you could go to a party and be introduced to new people.
Now you go to a party and think – where do I know this person from?
I know they are married, and they like to fish… then it clicks, you have unintentionally stalked this person on Facebook and now you feel like a creep and don’t know how to interact with them.
Don’t worry too much – chances are they already know what cocktail you are from your own Facebook page.
Is my social awkwardness showing?
You have them.
You lose them.
You miss them.
You love them.
They drive you crazy.
But life would not be the same without them.
Without some of my closest friends I wouldn’t be the person I am today.
My friends are so diverse.
I met them at differing stages of my life and they are still in my life because of who they are.
We are all changing, but we still make time for each other.
We are slowly drifting apart – but that is all apart of life.
Friends are hard to make.
Ever meet someone for a brief moment and think – geez, I want to be friends with them?
How do you carry on from that?
Request them on facebook and hope you connect that way?
Asking them out for cocktails is a bit forward.
Hanging out where you know they will be is a bit stalkerish.
Its hard when you don’t have mutual friends.
Its kind of like dating.
But instead of finding a potential husband, you are looking for a potential friend.
Shopping partner.
Gym buddy.
Cocktail and gossip pal.
But the hurdles are still the same.
The fear is still the same.
The rejection is still the same.
How do you approach a new friend without seeming like a stalker?
Was all this easier before the invention of social networking?
Before Facebook you could go to a party and be introduced to new people.
Now you go to a party and think – where do I know this person from?
I know they are married, and they like to fish… then it clicks, you have unintentionally stalked this person on Facebook and now you feel like a creep and don’t know how to interact with them.
Don’t worry too much – chances are they already know what cocktail you are from your own Facebook page.
Is my social awkwardness showing?
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