Down, out and rambling. March 19, 2010

There is something going on in my head.
It’s like a private club and the rest of me fails the membership criteria.

I’ve been a dark and somber person most of my life.
I was emo before it was cool. Not the piercings and the fringe emo — but the “emo”tional side of things.
The crying, the sad, the depressing thoughts… all very boring and blah.

Been out of the headspace for 728 days — just under two years ago my beautiful baby girl Shiloh was born.
4 days later followed the birth of Cocobean and those two events changed who I was dramatically.
Their existance made me so full of pride and love and happiness that it scared me.
Never before had I felt such a surge of emotion – it was surreal.
Walking into that hospital room and seeing the plastic cot, I burst into tears before I even laid eyes on the precious bundle that laid inside.

The biggest regret of my life is that I was unable to make it to Melbourne for Shiloh's birth.
I missed alot.
I know I am only her aunt. I know this. But the love I have for those two kids exceeds any emotion I have ever felt.
The protectiveness I feel. The happiness I get when they smile, or say my name.
The hugs, the kisses, the laughter I store it all up and use it when times get hard.

But…

Lately, despite the hugs, and the kisses, and the laughter nothing has been able to pull me out of my slump.
I summed it up pretty well on facebook.
I want to fall down Alice’s rabbit hole and be alone with a bottle of vodka.
Not that this will help whatever issue I have, it will just stop my mind from thinking, from lagging and just be normal drunk for a while and hopefully sober up to be normal.

I JUST WANT OUT!

I know people, one fab lady in particular, who is going through a major struggle right now — and I honestly don’t know how she does it. She has a reason to be upset and to hide from the world and scream and kick and tantrum all she wants. She doesn’t. She gets up every morning, puts on her best happy face, deals with what life has thrown her way and the whole time takes care of a teething baby boy.
Even if the happy face is a mask, and inside she is at breaking point, she doesn’t take it out on those she loves.
This girl is my hero.
I want to learn to hide it. I used to be fantastic at it. No one ever suspected a thing.

Somewhere over the last 2 years I have lost my mask, my shield and it makes coping that much harder. I don’t want to deal with people asking whats wrong with me. As facebook says: I just want to sit in my wrongness and be wrong.
I don’t want people questioning my emotions when I can’t even work them out.

Things are looking up.
I am still tired.
I am still emotional.
I am still in intense pain, physically.

But.

I now have something to look forward to.
Two years ago the birth of two beautiful children saved my life.
In 33 weeks, a third will be arriving and saving me for the second time.