April 17, 2010

The thing with depression is it can lead you in so many directions.

People always associate depression with crying, cutting and suicide.

This is sometimes true.
But not in every case.

It isn’t something to choose to have.
Noone would choose to have the disease.
Just as noone chooses to have cancer.

Depression, like life, has many directions.
Many paths.
How it affects you isn’t a choice.
How one chooses to deal with it is.

I was always told that suicide is a cowards way out.
And to a degree it is.
Anyone who has been on that path.
Anyone who has sat on the edge.
knows.
They know that jumping is the easier option.
Walking away is the hardest part.
You have to want something so badly.
Badly enough that it can overturn anything your mind is telling you that you have to do.
Something that has enough force to defend against those voices telling you all the things you aren’t, that you won’t ever be.
Won’t ever be smart enough, thin enough, rich enough, happy enough, successful enough.
That something has to be something worth living for when nothing else is.

That something is currently living and breathing and laughing and now two years of age.
For that, I can never thank you.
The two of you will never know what you have done for me.
How much you truly saved me.
and how you continue to save me.

Life just isn’t worth it without you here to love.
To protect.
To watch grow.

To Shiloh and Cocobean.
I love you more than there are words to express, though I have tried.

You will never know.
I will never tell you.
But you are both constantly on my mind, and forever in my heart.

This is an old blog.
Written but never posted